Men & Women....What a difference!
A sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing new 'Drive-through' teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the below outlined procedures when accessing their accounts.
MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed after months of careful research. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with
the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate
card.
5. Turn the radio down.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way up.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check make up in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check make-up again.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver queuing behind.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
26. Release Parking Brake.
Courtesy of Regina's slightly warped sense of humour.....
Gone Fishin' ???
A man calls home to his wife and says, 'Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box? We're leaving from the office & I will
swing by the house to pick my things up.'
'Oh! and please pack my new blue silk pajamas.'
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.
The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?
He says, 'Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?
The wife replies, 'I did, they're in your tackle box.'
AMEX????
Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table....and next to them, a single red rose!
Jack rises, sits on the side of the bed and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, looks into the bathroom mirror and cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him ....and then notices a note left on the mirror addressed to him:
'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping-Love you!'
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper besides. His son is also at the table stuffing his face with a bowl of Lucky Charms. Jack asks........'Son...what the hell happened last night?'
'Well, you came home shortly after 3 A.M., drunk out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the bedroom door.'
'So' he said....' why is everything in such perfect order, so clean,.....I have a rose, cleanly pressed clothes and breakfast is on the table waiting for me.....what's up?'
His son replies, 'Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!!!'
Broken furniture - $85.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud -$3.00
Two Aspirins -$0.38
Saying the right thing...... at the right time.........PRICELESS.
Got a favorite Joke?? Send it in. If it's not too raunchy, we'll publish it here. No Henny Youngman jokes.....please!
